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Humorous Celebrity Quotes |
1)
"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully
in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2)
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin"
and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown
3)
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4)
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart
5)
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
with it.. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong
house." --Jeff Foxworthy
6)
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams
7)
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
8)
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
--Marilyn Pittman
9)
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find
you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
10)
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone
11)
"A study in the WashingtonPost says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
'Duh.' " --Conan O'Brien
12)
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow
learner." --Lynda Montgomery
13)
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' " --Richard Jeni
14)
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead." --Johnny Carson
15)
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
16)
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty,
and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld
17)
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire
you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to
tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn
slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
18)
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde
19)
"Suppose you were an idiot . . . . And suppose you were a member of
Congress . . . but I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
20)
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
21)
"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams
22)
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as
the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne
23)
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy
Crystal
24)
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
that!' " --Dave Barry
25)
"Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was
taken. " --Author Unknown, presumed dead
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